


Cast a Shadow in the Dark (I Loved, I Loved, and I Lost You)

by JamieisClassic



Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rough Kissing, Trans Anduin Wrynn, Trans Male Character, Vaginal Fingering, more worldbuilding than I should have put together for a sad smut one shot, vaguely about the holiday season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:21:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28289853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamieisClassic/pseuds/JamieisClassic
Summary: Genn comes to Anduin's quarters during Winter Veil to help them both work through some grief. They don't have the healthiest notion of how to do that.
Relationships: Genn Greymane/Anduin Wrynn
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	Cast a Shadow in the Dark (I Loved, I Loved, and I Lost You)

**Author's Note:**

> How can I say this without breaking?  
> How can I say this without taking over?  
> How can I put it down into words?  
> When it's almost too much for my soul alone  
> I loved, and I loved and I lost you  
>  \-- Fleurie, "Hurts Like Hell"
> 
> *as a note, there is a brief instance of bad BDSM etiquette where someone essentially very badly dissociates but it is resolved nearly immediately

Anduin gazed deep into the flames of his hearth and let the darkness of the room seep into him like sea air soaks into your blood — perhaps if he waited long enough he’d be afraid of being away from the shadows too long. Before he could metamorphosize, though, a light rap came at the door, startling him out of his contemplations. 

“Come in, Genn,” he called, his voice barely loud enough to be heard across the room nevermind through a heavy oaken door. 

A moment later, Genn entered, clearly having heard him despite his softness. “My pri— er, king,” he stumbled. Pausing awkwardly for a breath, he finally continued, “You summoned me?” 

Anduin managed to crack a small whisper of a smile at his phrasing. Of course Genn wouldn’t be able to see an invitation from a friend for what it was, though he supposed part of the blame was rightfully on his newly appointed title, now holding the authority over Genn that his father had before… before… He swallowed down a sob but given the way Genn’s gaze became a physical feeling on his peripheral, his worgen ears had probably picked up on the sound. 

“I invited you to join me as a friend, Genn, not as your king,” he corrected mildly, not truly bothered by the assumption but for who it reminded him of, “I thought perhaps you were equally unwanting of being alone tonight.”

Genn was silent for a moment, standing in the darkness edging the room still, seeming reticent to come into the light of the fireplace. “Tonight? Is tonight something special?” 

“It’s the Day of Unburdening, the fourth day of Winter Veil. You know, the day where we’re meant to contemplate our troubles and cast them into the flame on holly leaves to leave them behind and all that,” Anduin reminded him blandly, knowing he was explaining things unnecessarily. Genn knew Winter Veil traditions, he knew that starting on the Solstice until the first day of the next year was a period of loving and letting go, of giving and receiving, and darkness leading to the bright light of a new dawn and new year, and yet for a moment it had almost sounded to Anduin like the man had forgotten about the holiday entirely. 

“Ah, right. And the day to gather our excess and package it to give to others tomorrow, if I remember Mia’s lectures properly. Always trying to get me to get rid of my cravat collection, she was.” He sounded, for all of a moment, fond at the memory before his tone twisted sour. “Not that it matters now.” 

There were troubles between them since the Invasion, since Genn had ‘permitted’ Tess to go off and help the Uncrowned despite the danger, since he had ‘allowed’ the near-death of their last remaining child, since Genn had been so twisted by his rage that he didn’t seem to resemble the man or husband he’d once been. Anduin knew both of them were valid in their pain and anger with one another — neither could Genn have kept Tess away nor stopped himself from being changed by his rage, yet it was hardly Mia’s fault for mourning what was almost and entirely lost. Since his return from Stormheim, Genn had stayed in a different room than Mia in the guest wing of Stormwind castle, and though Anduin had never pried, he suspected Genn and Mia were not strictly together any longer. 

“Is everything alright?” Genn asked, bringing Anduin from his reverie and forcing him to finally look away from the seductive light and into the shadows where Genn stood. 

“Just wondering if I brought enough holly,” Anduin replied absentmindedly, more busy observing the way Genn’s features dimly glowed in the stretched light of the hearth than paying any attention to his own words.

“Is that your way of saying I have a lot of issues?” Genn teased with a genuine though weak smile, one Anduin couldn’t help but return. 

“More of a commentary on my own, really, but I suppose yours as well.” He paused to gather himself more fully, to remember why he’d invited Genn here in the first place, then motioned to the seat next to himself where his father had sat with a glass of wine and a book so many evenings over the past couple of years. “Please sit, it’s warmer by the fire than I’m sure that dark corner is.” 

Genn approached the heavy leather chair cautiously, as if it were a snake or a wolf rather than a piece of furniture, and despite how much he hated the man for it, for how his hesitation reminded Anduin of the loss Genn was clearly afraid to upset, he could hardly blame him for it either. Hell, he was cautious of bringing up Mia, and she was still alive. Eventually and with gratefully little fanfare, Genn sat, leather groaning under his weight from disuse and for a brief moment, just seeing him there in his father’s chair made Anduin furious, so deeply angry, that he had to stare into the redeeming darkness of the corner of the room to calm himself. He’d invited him to sit, he reminded himself, and no trace of his father, not even his scent, lingered on that leather any longer; there was no reason to keep it pristine and untouched like some shrine to his absence. 

With a deep breath, he looked back at Genn only to meet his eyes. “I’m alright,” he mumbled before the question could be asked, and Genn seemed to relax minusculely at the affirmation that he was somewhat back to his regular self. If he was aware enough to assuage a person’s worries before they were voiced, he was probably doing fine. “Do you… would you like a leaf?” 

“Hmm? Oh, a holly leaf, right. I… I’m not sure. I know we’re meant to give away all that doesn’t serve us but…” He trailed off with a frown marring his handsome features. 

Anduin knew he probably would do well to think about that assessment of the man — thinking of him as handsome when he was both married and too old for him was a dangerous thing for one so young and so powerful — but instead he simply picked up where the man had left off. “But what if the things that burden us are too much, too important to give up? What if they serve us even if not in a way that is strictly healthy?” 

Genn looked up at him with big eyes, the blazing hearth glittering in them, and swallowed with emotion. “How can I give him up? How can I give her up? They’re everything I am, everything I’ve fought for, I…” 

Waiting for him to finish, Anduin watched the way the fire danced and flickered in those teary blue eyes, so similar yet so different to the eyes he was used to watching fill with uncharacteristic emotion. When after a pregnant pause Genn didn’t continue to speak, Anduin decided it was time to fill the silence. He opened his mouth to speak, and all that tumbled out was a sob.  _ Oh, _ he brought a hand up to his own cheek and felt the wetness there,  _ I didn’t realize I was crying.  _

“I miss him, Genn,” he admitted softly, tears thickening his voice into a tight, nasally mess, so entirely unbecoming of a king yet so entirely necessary for the communication of his pain. 

“I do, too. I miss him like hell. And Liam. And Mia.” Genn swallowed thickly, hands digging into the armrests and jaw tensed as tears finally streaked down into his beard. “Is it absurd to miss someone who isn’t dead, only wishes you were?” 

Anduin was standing before he knew what his body was doing, moving to Genn before he’d caught up that he was standing, and when his brain had finally managed to get up to speed he was flopped in Genn’s lap and clinging to him like one might cling to a life raft in a hurricane — it wouldn't do anything to stop the torrents, he knew, but it made him feel more grounded nonetheless. After barely a moment of shocked hesitation, Genn reciprocated the affection, pulling Anduin closer into his chest and stroking through his hair with one hand. And if the warmth of his touch and the closeness of another person melted something that had been stone and frozen deep in his chest, well that was his business and his business alone.

“It’s not absurd Genn, nothing you’re feeling is absurd.” He nuzzled into his bulk and let one hand come up and rest on his chest. “You’re allowed to feel things that people don’t talk about, you’re allowed to feel any way you do and I promise I’ll help you work through it as best I can.”

Genn made an unhappy noise. “I’m not sure everything I feel is valid, and you might not want to validate me too much, Anduin, lest I do something we regret.” 

Opening his mouth to speak, Anduin found himself too uncertain at Genn’s phrasing to give the baseline affirmations he’d expected to. For all he’d assumed Genn was speaking about Sylvanas and the pains he wished to visit on her, something about his phrasing, something about the way his hand spasmed against his side when he spoke, something about the way he seemed to bask in Anduin’s closeness, made him think maybe he wasn’t talking about Sylvanas or violence at all, but something entirely different. 

“Well I can’t help if you don’t tell me what you’re feeling, either way,” Anduin murmured, hoping Genn would concede to him and speak if only because Anduin did not, in any way, wish to be correct about his fear.

“And perhaps I came here to comfort you, to help you through this difficult time, not to be helped through my own pain. If I wanted a therapist I would find one, Anduin, I don’t need you to try and fix me.” Though his words were harsh, Anduin could hear the pain and worry beneath them.  _ Why are you trying to help me instead of dealing with your own grief? _ they asked,  _ Is it really so bad still that you don’t want to talk about it even to me? _

Anduin simply shook his head against Genn’s shoulder. “I’m not ready. If I deal with the grief, if I let go of this pain, it’ll be like losing him all over again. Even if it hurts, the hollow part of my chest where he used to be is still a memory of him, a remnant, and I’m not giving that up just yet. I loved him more than anything and now all I love is a ghost, but that doesn’t mean a ghost isn’t better than nothing.” 

“I… understand,” Genn admitted with a sigh, turning his face to bury it in Anduin’s hair, “I felt the same,  _ feel _ the same. It isn’t right or fair that those we love can be ripped from us like a limb we then have to learn to live without.” 

Anger roiled in his chest again. Genn couldn’t understand what he’d lost, not truly; Genn had lost a child, but he had another, and could have more in the future should he wish to. Anduin, though… he’d never have another father, never have another Varian, and how the hell did Genn think to compare what he’d lost to what Anduin had? 

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, and incidentally filling his nose with Genn’s scent, Anduin reasoned with his own hair-trigger emotions that Genn had simply meant he knew what it was to lose someone important and hadn’t meant to compare their losses. He relaxed in Genn’s grip and sniffled as his eyes filled with tears again. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for, Anduin?” Genn asked, sounding genuinely confused.

_ Oh, right, that whole outburst was only in my head.  _ He sighed. “Just… I’m trying to fix your troubles instead of dealing with my own because it’s easier to help you than work on myself. I’m not ready to let him go, I’m not ready to fill the parts of myself that only belonged to him, the parts of him that still live in me even now that he’s gone simply because I haven’t replaced him with someone else. I…” 

He broke off into sobs, clinging to Genn as he heaved and poured out all the pain and emptiness that wracked his chest like a bad winter cough. Through it all, Genn held him, stroking his hair, holding his waist, kissing the crown of his head, until eventually the storm abated into a soft drizzle of emotion — the worst was past, or perhaps they were simply in the eye of the hurricane and it was bound to get worse again. When he finally surfaced, deep gulping breaths like he’d been submerged under so much ocean, he noticed the trembling hands and soft hiccups from Genn and pulled back to see the streaks of tears down his cheeks. Bringing a hand up to wipe them away, something twisted in his chest, a sharp, strange feeling like the cramp of a stomach denied of food too long then given something too rich, and he had to look away from the warmth of Genn’s eyes before he did something stupid. 

“Anduin?” Genn sounded concerned. “Is everything alright? Did I do something wrong?” 

“No, no I… I’m sorry, I’m clearly emotional and it’s manifesting in strange ways,” he explained, hoping to the Light that Genn wouldn’t ask him to elaborate. 

Naturally, that wasn’t his luck.

“What does that mean, Anduin? What are you talking about?” Genn asked, his words confused but his eyes, when Anduin looked back at him, glowed with hope. 

“Sometimes grief metamorphosizes into something else, something strong and gripping and compelling and, ultimately, relationship ruining. Sometimes we want to fill the void that someone’s death left in our hearts so badly we don’t care if we lose more in the process of filling it than we would have had we simply let ourselves grieve,” he whispered, “Sometimes pain turns into want because wanting is easier than hurting.” 

Anduin expected disgust, perhaps, or pity. He expected Genn to be angry or confused. He expected Genn to remind him that Mia was still alive and their relationship still legally real. What he didn’t expect was for Genn to kiss him, and yet that was what he did. 

His lips were surprisingly soft and tasted of salt, though his facial hair felt strange and foreign where if brushed against his skin, and Anduin couldn’t help but melt into the kiss like a cat stretching out in a beam of sunlight. The empty space in his chest shuddered, resisting it, before slowly starting to collapse as warmth and affection filled him. While he knew the emptiness would return, like the frost that gathers on a roof overnight in the late autumn, he also now knew that there was a sun warm enough to burn it off, presuming he didn’t scare it off never to be heard from again. Pulling back reluctantly, he tried to gauge from Genn’s face what exactly this meant, and when he came up empty of answers he finally deigned to ask. 

“Why?” he asked simply, trying to keep his eyes from straying to Genn’s lips. 

“You said it yourself, Anduin. Sometimes grief turns into other things, and sometimes it’s easier to process when you let it change into another emotion,” Genn replied.

Anduin let his tongue dart out to wet his lips before he spoke again and Genn showed none of his own restraint in keeping his gaze away from his mouth. Words abandoned him as he leaned in, quite without meaning to, and kissed Genn again. It was less hesitant than the first, a harder press of mouths and gripping of hair, and Anduin was powerless to stop the unabashed whine that escaped his throat when Genn dug his fingers into his hip to pull him closer. 

His mouth fell open against Genn’s lips as he squeezed his thighs together and squirmed in his lap, and was rewarded for the action with a tongue thrust between his teeth to drag harshly against the roof of his mouth. He shuddered like a flame in a breeze as Genn ran his tongue along the back of his teeth, lightly fucking his mouth with it, and the moans coming from his throat would have been more embarrassing if he’d had any control over them whatsoever. In his squirming, he’d lost track of Genn’s hands, but feeling one pull his legs apart and slide up his thigh reminded him quite distinctly of their existence. 

Oh, this was really happening, wasn’t it? He groaned as Genn’s fingers reached the apex between his legs and teased him through his trousers, and try as he might, he couldn’t summon the strength to pull away and pause the activities long enough to make sure Genn was sure about this. Genn was an adult, he could make his own decisions, and he knew also that though the marriage certainly stood legally, Genn and Mia’s relationship was nothing more than words on paper any longer. A hard press of Genn’s fingers at just the right angle had Anduin pulling away from the kiss with a gasp, back arching and fingers digging into Genn’s shoulders. 

“Is this… are you sure...” He gasped in fits of pleasure too frequent to finish the question but figured Genn was smart enough to know what he meant.

“I’m very sure, Anduin,” Genn mumbled against his throat before biting down on the soft, pale flesh hard enough to leave a mark. 

Pleasure raced down his spine from the roughness, the pain making his head spin and knees weak, and he couldn’t help but arch into the touch and whine for more. Genn showed no hesitation in obliging him and all but ripped his shirt open to continue marking his neck and collarbones as he slid his hand under the waistband of his trouser to card through his pubic hair and tease the hood of his cock. He was so refreshingly uncareful with him unlike the other men Anduin had been with in his past, and the harsh treatment was absolutely hurtling Anduin toward orgasm before he’d even been properly touched. 

“Light, Genn,” he moaned, thighs trembling when Genn circled his cock firmly before dipping down to tease at his entrance, “Genn.  _ Genn _ , oh Light that’s—  _ Oh!” _

Genn had two fingers buried deep in his cunt, curled just right to send sparks up his spine, while the meat of his hand rubbed over his cock in slow, firm circles. Light above, he was so close to coming just from that small amount of stimulation and he felt helpless to stop himself from giving into the deep-seated need that was growing in his belly. Not just to come, that was secondary if he was being honest with himself, but to feel, to touch, to love and be loved, to serve and be served. With a shout, Genn’s fingers brought him to completion and when the wetness that gushed out of him started to soak into the material of his trousers he was glad not for the first time that they were in his private rooms and mere steps away from clean clothes… and his bed. 

“Fuck you’re beautiful when you come,” Genn groaned into his shoulder, teething at the skin there to leave yet another reminder of this new thing between them, “Is this… is this what you need? Do you want something else? Something more?” 

Anduin sensed this was his way of asking if they could proceed without making it sound like he wanted anything from him, and though he appreciated it, he also missed the gruff harshness he’d been shown not moments prior. 

“I do want more, Genn, so much more. But mostly I want you to treat me like I’m made of steel rather than made of glass,” he said, catching Genn’s eyes and hoping his own conveyed the genuineness of that request. 

Genn smirked. “Like steel, eh?” 

Opening his mouth to answer, something snappy about how he wasn’t as soft as he looked poised on his tongue, all he managed was a strangled groan when instead of giving him time to respond, Genn simply fisted his hair in an iron grip and shoved three fingers into him roughly. Genn’s eyes lit with smug glee as he shook apart in his hands, but Anduin couldn’t help himself from clenching down on his fingers all the harder for it; it was disgustingly hot how turned on he looked just at the vague notion of roughing him up. He whined, bucking into Genn’s touch with the hope of further ministrations, only to get a firm tug on his hair and a disapproving sound in return. 

“You’ll take what I give you, boy,” Genn growled, and Anduin went limp.

Boy. Not king, nor prince, nor even priest.  _ Boy. _ It felt so good, so right, to finally get to be something he not only knew with certainty he was, but something he knew he deserved to be and couldn’t fail at being in any way. The rightness of it made the world soft at the edges, his senses dulled, everything narrowed to just Genn’s hands and his body supporting his weight, and his scent, his gaze, his smile… 

“Anduin?” Genn asked forcefully, and Anduin blinked at him a moment as if waking from a deep slumber. 

“Hmm? What?” he mumbled back, feeling like his tongue wasn’t entirely his own. 

Genn frowned, concern filling his eyes. “You went somewhere else for a moment there, Anduin. I called your name a number of times before you finally answered. Are you alright?” 

Anduin tried to figure out how to answer, but the question bothered him — not because it was rude, or he didn’t want to answer, but because he wasn’t entirely sure what the answer was himself. “I don’t know what happened, I’ve never done that before,” he replied honestly, hoping that would tell Genn what he needed to know. 

Genn hummed and his brow furrowed further as he visibly thought about something. Finally, he sighed, giving Anduin an apologetic smile.

“We can’t do it this way,” he ground out like the words were painful, “I want to, trust me, but if I’m rough with you I might lose you and I’m not sure I’ll be able to bring you back to yourself if you go deeper down. I’ve never been… I’m not a great dom, I’m selfish and I have a hard time reading my subs, and if you slip like that when I’m preoccupied…” 

“You’re afraid,” Anduin observed bluntly. 

“You should be as well, Anduin. This could massively traumatize you, it could hurt you mentally for a long time to come and it’s nothing to scoff at,” he practically begged, “Please just trust me when I say that for all I want this, and for all I’m willing to give it to you, for both our sakes I can’t give it to you that way.” 

“So what you’re saying,” he snapped, “Is that you’re willing to fuck me but only if it’s the way you want, and my enjoyment, needs, and wants are irrelevant. And to think I thought you better than the guards.” 

He started to climb out of Genn’s lap only for Genn to grab him roughly and hold him against his chest with a growl. “You dramatic little cunt, I’m just saying that I don’t want to do whatever it was that sent you into subspace and that involves speaking to you that way and hurting you at the same time, understood?” 

Anduin felt his brain start to go soft again from just the harshness of his hands and words, and he understood quite suddenly what Genn meant. It wasn’t that he didn’t like it, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to give Anduin what he needed, it was that this wasn’t actually what Anduin needed despite wanting it desperately. Finally he nodded and relaxed in Genn’s arms, nuzzling into his neck and just petting over his chest with the hand that was free and not squished between them. 

“I understand, Genn. I’m sorry I was so pushy when you’re just trying to look out for me,” he whispered, somewhat embarrassed by his outburst but mostly just very suddenly exhausted.

“I know, I’m sorry you had to confront this this way. When you’re ready, I think I’d like to play with you that way, but right now it would be bad for both of us,” Genn replied softly, petting over his hair and flank softly, “How are you feeling? You sound tired, I should probably put you to bed.”

Anduin hummed. “Join me? If not to fuck then at least to sleep?” 

“I…” he began to protest, but trailed off, “That would be nice. Thank you, Anduin.” 

And so Genn stood, still cradling him in his arms, and carried him to bed. His hands were gentle as he undressed him, though much less so with himself when he all but threw his clothes to the ground, and then soon after they were bundled under the blankets, spooned together for warmth and comfort and solace in the loneliness of grief. 

**Author's Note:**

> Blessed Yule and happy holidays, I hope you enjoyed this, and thank you so much for reading! As always, kudos and comments mean the world ❤❤❤


End file.
